No one ever said raising kids was easy. In fact, it’s hard. Especially in a world that is redefining absolutes, a culture that teaches self-love above others, and where abuse and trauma are everyday occurrences. Did you know that two-thirds of children report a traumatic instance by age 16? That list includes physical, psychological, or sexual abuse, bullying, domestic violence, national disasters, sudden loss of a loved one, and serious accidents. As adults, we struggle to react in healthy ways, so how can we expect our children to respond positively to these horrific situations?
We’ve all known kids we’ve written off as “obstinate, rebellious, or beyond hope.” Why is it so easy to give up on these kids? Have we ever taken the time to understand why a teen is acting that way? At Heartlight Ministries, founder Mark Gregston says, “I’ve never met a bad kid. These kids are just like anybody else’s. They are good kids; they’re just making poor choices.” Sometimes the consequences of those choices have led teenagers down a rough path; they don’t know how to come back from it and find themselves in a continual downward spiral. Parents don’t know how to pull back from the situation and gain perspective or do anything different, which means the cycle continues.
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Heather is your typical all-American teenage girl. She’s beautiful and smart, a kid any parent would be proud of. But over time, she begins to turn to alcohol. Soon Heather drinks alcohol every day and is drunk most of those days. Things she used to love—her youth group, playing sports, family—she has given up and views them with disdain. Heather has been kicked out of every public and Christian school in Denver. Her parents don’t know what to do or how to help. What happened to their once-innocent daughter? Desperate to save Heather’s life, her parents call Heartlight Ministries for help.
Heather’s story is a typical one for teenagers who arrive at Heartlight. The names are different, but all struggle with something: alcoholism, drugs, unhealthy relationships, abuse, addictions, and more.
Heartlight is a Christian boarding school located in east Texas. They help teens aged 13-17 who have made trauma-induced poor choices or have family/environmental issues. Teens consent to live at the boarding school for about one year to receive focused intervention.
I’m one of those guys who thinks you can either raise your kids to live in a zoo, or you can prepare them to survive in the jungle,” said Mark. “Kids need to learn how to survive.
For those at Heartlight who work with teenagers, relationships come first. They aren’t strictly an evangel-istic group that says: “If you just get your life committed to Christ, everything will be okay.” Teenagers will see right through that. Actions speak louder than words, and while Christ is a foundational part of their organization, it’s more about helping the kids and their families learn principles to survive and thrive in the world their child will be living in. “I’m one of those guys who thinks you can either raise your kids to live in a zoo, or you can prepare them to survive in the jungle,” said Mark. “Kids need to learn how to survive.”
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Heartlight Ministries began 35 years ago in Texas, but the seeds for it were planted long before that. Mark and his wife Jan (then girlfriend) were still in college when they were initially approached about working with Young Life, a program that encourages teens in their faith. They agreed and began meeting with high school students. Within a couple of weeks, a man walked up to Mark and said, “I’m really struggling with my kid. I don’t know what to do.” Mark’s initial thought was, “And I do?” but he responded with: “Well, let him come live with me.” From that time on, there have always been kids living with the Gregstons.
A few years later, the Gregstons moved to Branson, Missouri, where Mark became the area director of the local Young Life program. At that time, they also had around 20 teenagers living with them, building some extra houses for them. “I don’t have a degree in counseling or ministry, but I’ve always been in ministry. My degree is in real estate investment and finance, but my heart has always been with kids, especially the ones who are struggling,” shared Mark. From early on, God taught Mark how to engage these young adults. It looks a little different, but he’s learned some practical ways of interacting with them. Love kids regardless; no ifs, ands, or buts. Don’t add clauses and expectations to your love. “I tell the kids all the time, ‘There’s nothing you can do to make me love you more. There’s nothing you can do to make me love you less,’” Mark said. “In any situation, there is hope. Unconditional love given over a period of time can warm the coldest of hearts.”
Once Mark and Jan left Missouri, they expected to run a small organization raising horses and working with struggling kids. But God had other plans. “Little did I know that I was going to be living with 65 high school kids for years and years,” said Mark. “And now we’ve had over 3,000 kids live with us!”
Before a teen arrives at Heartlight, they have to be clean—they cannot use drugs or alcohol there, and some need to go through a detox program first. Over their time at Heartlight, their heads begin to clear, and they realize they need to make changes. That’s when the hard part comes for both the teen and the parent. “Heartlight is probably more of a change for the parents than the child,” said Mark, “because when that child comes home, the parents need to be ready to handle them.” The same child—who is wired the same way, coming to the same environment, and still has the same friends—needs parents to have tools to counter those things, allowing their child to be healthy. As a teen goes through the different levels of the program, the parents are also going to leveled retreats. The retreats help parents understand where their child is at and how to make necessary changes to best aid their teen once they return home.
Students enrolled in the program at Heartlight attend accredited curriculum classes for 3½ hours daily—boys attend classes in the morning and girls in the afternoon. Along with daily classes, they go to counseling three or four times per week and attend group meetings separated by age, gender, and level (the levels represent the progression through the program). Finally, peer support plays an essential role in their recovery. Even though teens deal with different issues—be it depression, eating disorders, or abuse—they learn to support one another.
They’re searching for something, and they are finding it at Heartlight. We create structure and atmosphere, but we’re not the ones that make changes in kids.
“It’s iron sharpening iron, not friction that causes more fires,” said Mark. Many of the teens look forward to attending classes, counseling, and group meetings. At Heartlight, they are kept busy with many activities. As a result, they have less time to concentrate on themselves and realize a tiny measure of how big the world really is.
As each child experiences the consistent and intentional relationship-building measures from their counselors, staff, and peers who have been in the program longer, the teens begin to trust and share more openly. A large portion of attendees come from a Christian background. They’ve been influenced by biblical principles but don’t know how to apply them to their lives. If you ask the teens, many will say they are anti-God and hate everything. That is only because their understanding and experience are skewed. However, Mark shared, “Although Bible studies aren’t mandatory, most kids want to go to church. They’re searching for something, and they are finding it at Heartlight. We create structure and atmosphere, but we’re not the ones who make changes in kids.”
For these reasons, the Heartlight staff are selectively chosen. They must live on campus, be single, be in their twenties, and be healthy, relational, and mature. These qualities help to ensure that they are young enough to relate to the kids and energetic enough to keep up with the many daily activities such as hiking, horseback riding, water skiing, fishing, work projects, and taking care of the horses.
Another priority is that they are Christian. Heartlight seeks out young adults who are true believers who understand that how they live makes all the difference in the world. As believers, we’re called to emulate Christ, and the staff members are no different. They realistically live out John 1:14, “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us…” They reinforce those biblical principles in such a way that it’s evident they are living differently. The staff aren’t “shoving the gospel down anyone’s throat;” it’s about a lifestyle that a teenager can observe and say, “There’s something different about him” or “I want to be like her.”
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Heartlight may be necessary for some families, but Mark has also developed material to help prevent the need for Heartlight. Mark has never read a single parenting book, yet he’s written over twenty of them. He operates Family in Crisis conferences, has podcasts and radio broadcasts, and offers resources on his Parenting Today’s Teens website. He shared that it isn’t a “Follow me because I’ve got this great idea” mentality. Instead, it is about listening and learning from every teen who comes through Heartlight. It’s about what he has learned throughout the years, systems that work—and ones that don’t—and imparting that knowledge to others. Because at the end of the day, the two most important things are 1) making positive differences in each teen’s life, helping them to achieve their goals and graduate from Heartlight, and 2) preparing the family for the child coming back home so that everyone can succeed.
Our faith is one where we are called to reach out and help our neighbor. Jesus calls us to love others. So when we see parents struggling with their children, remind them there is always hope.
The world is changing at a rapid pace. How do we hold onto our beliefs when we live in a nation with legalized marijuana and other drugs, alcohol advertised during every major sporting event, gender confusion, and deep political divisions? How do we provide hope to children during such chaos?
Our faith is one where we are called to reach out and help our neighbor. Jesus calls us to love others. So when we see parents struggling with their children, remind them there is always hope. Point them in the right direction, letting them know that there’s a place and organization dedicated to helping parents and teens get through these difficult times. Every time we turn a blind eye to the drowning, we tell them that we give up, they aren’t worth the bother, or that our God is not big enough—when nothing could be further from the truth! //
Parenting Today’s Teens
P.O. Box 480, Hallsville, TX 75650
Sabrina and her husband live near Ragersville, Ohio, and have been blessed with four spunky children. She values time with her family, loves to bake, and is an avid reader.
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